Getting Off the Train of Comparison

I want to get back to writing and worry less about keeping people engaged on social media.

My creativity has plundered; I feel the heavy weight of spring to do lists crushing my soul. The last two days the rain has kept me inside, the gloomy sky bringing a sense of discontentment, my sullen mood a perfect match. I stare down at my notebook, the page full of to do’s that will not be getting checked off today. I’m frustrated, overwhelmed and panicked that I have so much to get done that should have been done weeks ago. What kind of farmer am I, I scorn myself. I have seedlings that are still sitting in their pots waiting to be planted, this is going to cause me to lose profit. There is spring garlic, rhubarb and asparagus that needed to be picked that I didn’t have time to get to. This is a lost profit that could have gone to paying for the animals’ feed. I beat myself up for being lazy, for not managing my time well, for not working longer days, for only being one person, for getting sick. I start to question why I am doing this, why are Jon and I working so hard for nothing. We could live a much easier life; we should just stop farming I tell him. We sit in silence, we both recognize this road I am going down, it’s all too familiar. It’s where I go when I am overwhelmed, vulnerable, exhausted, it’s how the enemy tries to stop me when I am doing Gods work. I get up, put my boots on and go out into the rain and start to weed a small garden. If I can just get my hands in the dirt and accomplish a small task, I know I will get clarity.

As I plunge my stirrup hoe into the beautiful dark soil and rip out clumps of grass roots that have crept into the garden bed, I get myself back. I question the timeline that I have put myself on and ask myself why I am feeling rushed and overwhelmed, I ask from who am I getting my direction from? Am I keeping my focus in the right place or has it shifted? Am I living from a feeling of abundance or scarcity? My answers reveal why I am feeling the way I am, and I know that I need to make some changes and refocus my priorities. I know I need to get off the train of comparison and detach my caboose onto a different track. I want to get back to writing and worry less about keeping people engaged on social media.

Social media is not conducive to my mental health, and I need to trust that our friends and customers will not abandon us if we aren’t posting to social media every day. I need to trust that our friends and customers will read our blog and newsletter and want to stay engaged with me through email and Substack. No matter how disciplined I try to be, social media crushes my soul, it causes me to feel like I am not enough, like what I am doing is not enough. My followers have been skyrocketing since I’ve been posting daily, Meta has been rewarding me, I even earned enough money last month to buy a bag of feed! But it has come at a cost, it has zapped my creativity, and I have put all my efforts into social media posts rather than what brings me joy, writing and creating.

I’m not saying I won’t ever be posting to social media again, I am just saying I am more at peace when I don’t. Thank you for following me here and for being interested enough to read my words.

With gratitude,

Angie